yet another issue popping into my brain

So I have been overweight for most of my adult life. When actually admit it to myself, I’ve actually been overweight for most of my life. My parents are heavyset and never really talked about food beyond trying to get me to eat up everything that was put in front of me.

I also turned to food for comfort and I still do right now. So I believe I do have emotional issues which are tied to food.

I love junk food and I also can overeat on rubbish in order to feel good. The trouble is I then feel bad about myself and it gets worse.

I think what triggered it for me was at school when somebody called me ugly and said I was fat, from that point on it was a slippery slope to where I am now emotionally. It’s amazing how things in life which you think are small can actually have huge outcomes on who you are.

On a positive note, my iMac screen repair has been finished and it’s back in my possession. It’s stupid how technology drags us down nowadays, but I feel good about having it back. I suppose it’s the way humans are with possessions, we like familiarity and we like to know we have certain things around us in order to feel secure.

I’m still on the job hunt and I’m feeling a little more positive about my friends well. My flatmate is actually really cool and its made me chill out a bit and brought our friends together as a group are little bit more over the past couple of weeks.

So I’m feeling really good about things at the moment and with a replacement screen on my iMac and a better feeling in my belly, I really do think I’m ready to move on with things a bit more. So just maybe the tone of this blog will improve in the future and I wouldn’t feel I’m dragging down the population of the world by putting this all out there. Although I have no doubt that the handful of people who read it will probably just laugh at it and move on quickly.

Right, back to what I was doing, which is having a sort out my room at the apartment, it’s a bit of a mess and as I’m also now on the boyfriend hunt it needs to be sorted just in case I get lucky.

is it good to accept?

I really am ready to move on and I’m now starting to look for jobs. I am going into work now and I am feeling much more positive about everything, although I am ready to move jobs for good now.

I’m actually considering what I’m going to do the next year of my life. But I think in order to do that I have to move on from my past and that means accepting who I am and what has happened in my life up until now. Although we don’t realise it I think most of us have burdens from the past which can hold us down, even if we aren’t really completely unaware of them.

Sometimes this can grow so strong and be overwhelming that it can affect our right now in life. I’ve been through a lot and I don’t like talking about it, I was hoping that this blog would help me to get some things out in the open. I should feel lucky I have a roof over my head, I have three meals a day and I have a really good set of friends, although I am paranoid about how much they like me.

If you try then you will find and you get out of life what you put into it, and I think that is something that most people forget at times. In most societies in the developed world there appears to be a sense of entitlement and I think it has gone too far.

In other news, my iMac is in for repair and the screen is being sorted out as we speak, I hope. So that will mean no more typing on my phone and it will mean getting something back which I depend on for a lot of things. I know that sounds silly, but I bet we could all look at our own lives and think if our technology was taken away we would really struggle now.

And it’s things like computers breaking that you have to accept in life. If you can’t accept the small day-to-day things, and they bother you and you fight against them and suffer emotional distress from them, then you will never get to move on with the big things. So it’s important to excuse the little things and focus on the bigger picture as much as you can.

Is today a day for not getting out of bed?

It’s been a really tough week for me and I really haven’t wanted to get out of bed today. Typing this is about the most adventurous thing I’ve done and the furthest I’ve been away from my bed since this morning.

I’m sitting on the sofa typing this on my mobile phone, because I’m still trying to get my iMac screen repair issue dealt with. I now my third local store, but it appears this one actually can help me. You would never think it was that difficult to get replacement parts for something as common as an iMac.

I work for a great company but I just feel that my job is going nowhere and it’s starting to get harder and harder to get out of bed. I admit I rang in sick today and I just couldn’t face another day sitting at that desk doing that job.

I think I’m ready to move on. My optimistic side wants me to grow and develop rather than stagnate in a job that I hate. I’m very aware that a lot of my friends and family are all in jobs that they don’t really like, but they are terrified of the change and losing the security. I suppose that is the hold that society has over people, especially when they have mortgages to pay.

But the problem is that I’m feeling anxious about my life and the simple things are insurmountable to me. So although I’m ready to change jobs in one way, the fact I’m just ringing in sick and sitting here typing out a blog post, rather than getting on a jobseeking site and putting myself out there to get work, say something to me about my state of mind at this moment in time.

So before I change my job I have to change my mind set. I think only when I do that can I truly move on completely. I suppose all of us are little bit like that at times. When we achieve things we can rest and stagnate, while in the back of our minds thinking that our journey is not ready to finish just yet. It’s too easy to enjoy what we have and to stop and stagnate, resting in a comfort zone that some people never get out of. I don’t want to be like that.

sometimes the truth has to come out

Although you wouldn’t think it from reading this blog, I am actually quite a strong and independent person in my everyday life.

A lot of this is because things in my life have made me tough. But then I think part of the things that have made me tough have also made me feel and act insecure. So it’s a bit of a double-edged sword, although I can cope with a lot and remain calm and deal with a lot, I also have to deal with the nagging feelings I get in my mind.

I also personalise a lot of things I really shouldn’t. I feel people are getting at me and I feel people are not giving me the attention I deserve. I’m trying to get a replacement screen sorted out my iMac. I spoke on the phone to a local repair shop but they rang me back and said they were having trouble with those iMac parts at the moment.

Now to me, something like an iMac screen repair should be bread-and-butter to a computer repair shop and they should never have trouble having something as simple as a screen in stock. So my immediate reaction was that they were just not wanting to deal with me, perhaps they felt I was going to be a problem customer.

I’ve heard this is called catastrophic thinking. When you walk into a room and somebody looks at you, most people just think oh they looked at me, and then get on. When I walk into a room and somebody looks at me, I think I must have disturbed or upset them, or they must be displeased with the way they look, and when I go and sit down, all I can think about is the fact they have looked at me and wonder why.

So I am beginning to be aware that my issues are affecting my everyday life, if something as simple as ringing up to ask about a computer screen replacement is causing me what can only be paranoia, then I think it’s time for me to confront some of the issues I have.

In other news, my mum is coming over later for tea. What an amazing events that will be. I’m being sarcastic, but sometimes I feel my mum keeps me at arms length and just pops round for the minimum length of time to keep the daughter, mother relationship going a bit. I hope I’m wrong on that, it appears that my thinking is not quite straight at the moment.

sometimes life is tough: the broken computer screen

Okay things have been a little tough for me recently and I have been worried that I have been isolated from my friends, though my friend is moving in with me and I’m really grateful for that. But I can’t help feeling that she is going to ignore me a bit and choose other friends even though I live with her.

Today has been another one of those days when life just seems to get tough. I have a Mac computer and I love it. But today the screen got broken. It was my own stupid fault, I I dropped it while moving it around.

I googled it and several places for iMac screen replacement came up. But I’m a bit insecure and it’s a case of I think everybody might be trying to stitch me up. So how do I know which computer repair company can sort my replacement screen out for a reasonable price, without ripping off? I think you just have to go with who sounds like they know what they are doing the most. After going through the results, I found this site for imac replacement that seemed to know their stuff.

It’s the same with my car. When I take it to a garage to get something sorted out I can’t help feeling that I’m getting charged a higher price than the person in front of me or behind me. Perhaps that’s paranoia?

Anyway, my iMac screen repair issue is not the only thing happening in my life. But I love my technology and today it seems to be swamping my thoughts and actions. I do get paralyzed when things go wrong emotionally, and I know most people laugh it off, but when something I depend on, like my computer, breaks it can really affect me.

So maybe it’s just one of those days where everything is getting to me. I look out of the window and it’s raining, so I think typical because I have to go somewhere. But deep down I know that the weather can’t possibly be against me, but today it feels like it is.

And today has to be the day that when I walk out of the door lonely lady next door wants to talk to me for 35 minutes, making me late. And I feel so sorry for her that I can’t bring myself to say, look I really have to go, talk to you later. I just don’t want to be rude to her.

And I do get paranoid about technology and its issues. Whenever my Mac or any other technology goes wrong I do get upset about it. I had a friend who used to do things like sort out operating system issues, software, if I had a virus, or if I needed to upgrade it, or if I needed to get any parts for it, but he is now left my life, perhaps because I am too needy.

Anyway, I have to get off this computer and stop pouring out my heart to the Internet and get on with my day. I hope yours feels better than mine does right now.

why should never underrate your friends

I know that you should not be jealous of people but I have to admit to myself that this past week has been incredibly upsetting for me.

For most my adult life I have felt that I am always a friend who seems to just be there for people, while other people who are friends and who do less than me get more plaudits and more credit and thanks more than me. I think it is a case of you become so dependable it becomes expected and unnoticed.

I moved into a new apartment a few months ago and I asked around my friends to help me move. Only one person helped me, so it was a real struggle for me to sort out for everything myself.

Now another of my friends is moving in as a flatmate. We share the same friends. 4 people who said they can help me not only coming to help her, but the staying the night for a flat warming party with us. I’m really happy that my friend is getting help, don’t get me wrong on that, but I do feel that I’m a second-class friend amongst our group.

That’s made me introspective. It’s made me turn in on myself and wonder why I’m not so deserving of help and friendship as my friends are. Maybe I’m being over dramatic about this but I do know that it hurts inside. I really hate feeling overlooked and I don’t want to be that second-class friend to other people. It makes me jealous and jealousy is something that really hurts me and is something we should all try to avoid.

Another thing I think is that I asked another friend come over and see me the other day because I had some stuff I wanted to talk about. She said she couldn’t make it. But I know that two days later she went round another friends and spend the afternoon talking about the problem they had. Perhaps I’m too needy? Perhaps I whine perhaps I really am somebody who needs to lighten up? I really don’t know what’s wrong.

So you see the thing is I’m not sure if it’s them, or if it’s me that is the problem. I’m not actually sure there is a problem or if it’s just circumstances which are making me a bit paranoid and creating problems out of thin air. I suppose I struggle with insecurity or my life, but at what point is it not insecurity and is reality, or is it the insecurity which is making me needy and making my friends walk away more?